I have much to be grateful for this New Year. More than most people realize. More than I can even fully comprehend. I have a chance to start over. To gather up all of the dark corners, the rivers of panic and disbelief that once looked like fear and despair but are now courage and wisdom and to work like a crazy woman to make my dreams happen.
I have been reminded of the fragility and brevity of life. I have to stop waiting for the perfect moment in my life to have everything figured out and my path cleared out before me. That’s part of the beauty, feeling the tug of my heart and following and trusting and knowing that there is something in me connected to all beings, to my very Source that calls me to be me. Following that call with all of the uncertainty, but trusting and living fully anyway, or perhaps because of, the unknowns. Knowing success may not look like I imagine. And being okay with that.
There is a wildness to life when we live from the heart.
This time I am bringing my head along too.
My dream is to grow my jewelry business to another level. Again. This time in a big way. I’m scared. I am more excited. I love a challenge. And I love every aspect of this business. I get to play with numbers and organize inventory and plan strategies. I also get to write and sketch and dream and play with fire and watch metal flow and run and become exactly what I planned on or something entirely different. I love studying design and symbolism and understanding concepts like sacred geometry and negative space and quantum physics (not sure how that fits in with jewelry design, but it’s on my list). I also want to learn to play guitar. And get super fit. It’s all related.
I am playing with a new concept to make this happen. Clearly, it requires that I have discipline. But more than that, I want to commit. I want to put all of me into something and then hold on for all of the bumps and turns and disappointments and highs. And if, through all of this, it morphs into something different, I want to have the grace to accept that and love from that place too.
I’m not sure I have ever put all of me into anything except one role…motherhood. Loving these beautiful babies who have turned into my best teachers has taught me what it means to love fully, even when it breaks your heart. The beauty in that brokenness is rich and sweet, like the surprise of a delicious filling inside of an already unbelievably good chocolate truffle. You don’t even know it is there until you break it open. Life has no doubt broken me apart. I am finally finished trying to piece things back together. I have a profound gratefulness for the experiences that have led to this moment. I am more open, more compassionate, more understanding. Less in need of labels or expectations or definitions. I don’t want to piece it back together, I want to live in the love that flows from the brokenness.
I am so grateful to be embraced by people who encourage me to do what makes me happy. Your creative, loving, supportive spirits help me keep going when I get lost in my head, distracted by esoteric philosophical quests for meaning and other important endeavors that somehow lead to complete inertia. I hope you will help me remember that there is work to be done to accomplish a dream. And, perhaps, we can help remind each other that there is great beauty and meaning and importance in the dreaming.